It’s 6am and I’m sitting at the Frankfurt airport, listening to the No Such Thing As Love podcast, and drinking a Macchiato, in the hopes that the caffeine will unscramble my brain enough to write this. I had an eventful seven hour flight, in which the person sitting next to me had a medical emergency; And in going through German Passport Control, I squeakily told the officer, who had asked me what I was studying, that I was a student, and then tried to clarify that I was an Auxilar de Conversacion (having a Student Visa/being registered in Spain as a student is confusing and fortunately the seemingly terrifying German policeman smiled at me and understood what I meant to say). I’m imagining myself finally being back at home, in my apartment, snuggled in my bed, and sleeping for the next twelve hours.

I was in New Hampshire for the holidays for a wonderful twelve days, that turned out to definitely not be long enough for me to spend as much time with my friends and family as I would’ve liked. Being home made me feel exactly how people told me it would feel: I realized that everything around me had stayed exactly the same. Nothing had changed. But I had. That was a trippy experience for me. I now feel that my heart has been divided between two places that I love and call home, and a piece of me will feel like it’s missing when I’m away from the other. These twelve days at home also gave me the chance to reflect on 2019 and my hopes for 2020.

A year ago at this time I never imagined I would decide to quit my job, leave my studio apartment that I had grown to so love, spend two months working at the very same horse barn I had taken lessons at twelve years prior, pack my entire life into two suitcases, and move to Spain: A country I hadn’t given a whole lot of thought to, and where the extent of my Spanish was “Donde esta el bano?”. Not to mention working a job that sounded progressively more vague as the date for my departure drew ever nearer.

Making the spontaneous decision to come here has, so far, been the best decision I have ever made. A year ago, I was sad, lonely, confused, slogged down by the monotony of life, searching for a direction, and lacking in self confidence. I rang in 2019 in a less than dignified way, but with this feeling deep inside that the year would be one filled with changes, having no idea what kind of changes were in store. One year later and I am happy, hopeful, filled with purpose in the direction that I’m going, feeling ok with not knowing exactly what that direction is, having more self confidence than I have ever had, and knowing a few more Spanish phrases.

In 2020, I’m prepared for whatever other crazy changes may come, but also with the full understanding that those changes can only come about if I make the choice to be brave, if not a little crazy; I have never felt that I’ve had so much autonomy over my own life until this moment. So far, I’m planning to stay for at least another year in Madrid; I want to dedicate myself more fully to learning Spanish in the new year; I want to more mindfully practice self-care; I want to continue to learn to let go of the past and live in the moment; And I want to continue to see as much of the world as I can. I am so thankful for what this year has brought me, and I am so looking forward to the experiences that 2020 has in store for me.